Your Partner’s Fantasy Lover Is Always in Bed With You

What should men do if they want to get closer to their romance-reading lovers?

June 19, 2024 by James W. Gaynor

A few years ago, I published Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice in 61 Haiku, a stealth academic examination of the first lines of each chapter in Austen’s most popular novel. The book resulted in invitations to talk to college English Lit classes and a spate of Manhattan dinner-party invitations that coincided with the bi-centennial of Austen’s death.

After one such gathering, at which I had justified my invitation by speaking about how, although she wrote novels during the Regency era, Jane most definitely did not write Regency Romances. Colin Firth’s movie-version wet shirt aside, Austen’s work deals with hard-core financial realities faced by many relatively penniless and unmarried 19^th-century upper-class women.  And, as the first sentence of Chapter 43 confirms, Elizabeth Bennet doesn’t fall in love with Mr. Darcy until she’s seen the size of his estate. There were no bare-chested male models on the covers of an Austen novel. [1]

Rabbi Dr. Jo David, a longtime friend with a varied and successful series of professional endeavors, was also at the party. We walked home together. ”I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told anyone,” she announced. “I started reading Regency Romances as a break from the academic exhaustion of my first graduate degree, and I’ve probably now read about 1,000 of them. I’ve written a few under my penname of Nola Saint James.  I’m curious about whether you think there’s something worth pursuing here? Would you like to take a look?”

And look I did — at an eight-volume series in which the hero, due to a curse, can turn into a raven, short stories, family trilogies, all with glossaries, discussion guides, glossaries, and, yes, recipes (one of Nola’s successful businesses had been in commercial food advertising and marketing — and she’s now a passionate vegan). The stories were intriguing, the characters multi-faceted, and I found myself wondering what might happen to a few minor characters if they were given their own novel.  I was hooked.

Now, Nola has a website (Nola Saint James – Welcome to the Regency World), and, as the rabbi who also writes Regency Romances is the subject of a profile in Authority Magazine  (Rabbi Dr Jo David: Second Chapters; How I Reinvented Myself In The Second Chapter Of My Life | by Wanda Malhotra | Authority Magazine | May, 2024 | Medium) The first volume of one of her family trilogies has just been published (Anarchy at Almacks: Rowan’s Story: A Story of Love at First Site (Edanmore Chronicles): Saint James, Nola: 9780997842883: Amazon.com: Books). Nola has started appearing at a wide range of Romance gatherings and conferences. As a new visitor to a world in which everyone deserves a happy ending (Nola’s signature phrase), I thought it would be a service to my gender to ask her to explain what men should know about romance novels — particularly if their partner is a fan.

Nola, why do women read romance novels?

It’s always been difficult being a woman, James. To put things in perspective, it’s been less than 125 years since every state in America passed a law that gave married women the right to own property in their own name! As recently as the early 1970’s, women couldn’t get a credit card in their own name. They had to have a husband or father co-sign for them!

To get a good idea of how many women feel today, all men should read the monologue that America Ferrara presents in the Barbie movie — https://www.townandcountrymag.com/leisure/arts-and-culture/a44725030/america-ferrera-barbie-full-monologue-transcript.

Reading romance novels gives women an escape from the real world. Everyone needs a break from their everyday life. The Romance Writers of America define a Romance story as one that has a happy ending. When you engage with a Romance novel, you get an escape and a guaranteed happy ending. What could be better than that?

How do romance writers create their male characters?

The first thing to understand is that the male protagonist in most romances is not the hero. The hero of most romances written for women is the heroine. Even when a story seems to be about the male protagonist’s struggles, it is the female protagonist who will save him in some way by the end of the story. The primary male love interest is always flawed but has some redeeming value. If there is no flaw and no possibility for redemption, there is no story.

This may come as a shock, but most women in the real world understand that there is no “perfect” man. The only path to a lasting relationship is both parties learning how to deal with the other person’s quirks. Unfortunately, this is not always possible. The difference between real- world relationships and romance-world relationships is that the writer ensures that the differences between the two leading characters are resolved to produce a happy ending.

Male protagonists are as different as the writers who create them. I like to write male characters who are drawn to smart, complicated women. They are men who like a challenge, have some emotional depth and don’t give up at the first sign of trouble. They often have a secret interest in something that is not typical of men of their time or class. I’m happy to say that I’m married to such a man!

In Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, physical intimacy between the love interests is virtually non-existent. How is sex depicted in romance novels today?

Today, the intended reader and the writer’s preference determines how sex will be depicted.  There is kind of a continuum with respect to “heat level” in romance fiction.

On one side of the continuum is the sweet, clean (and sometimes Christian) romance. In these stories, there may be some hand-holding and possibly a kiss on the cheek or a peck on the lips on the very last page. Some writers don’t even go this far!

Moving along the continuum, you have stories that are very romantic and may have some intimations of sexual fantasies. These are often revealed in dreams at night or in a character’s inner musings. There may be some passionate kissing but nothing more.

The midpoint of the continuum is where things get a little more explicit and sexy. There is actual touching, above and below clothing, possibly to sexual release. However, there is no consummation until either a betrothal — very near the end of the book — or after the marriage. Please note that euphemisms for genitals are almost always used rather than more technical terms.

Getting closer to the other end of the spectrum, you will find fairly explicit sexual content. These are sometimes labeled steamy romance. In this category there is still some restraint in the description and variety of the sexuality described. The scorching hot end of the spectrum is hardcore erotica with no holds barred.

Some men have told me that they feel they can’t compete with their partners’ fantasy lovers in romance novels. What should they know?

Men! Your partner’s fantasy lover is always in bed with you. Get over this! Seriously, most women have rich fantasy lives whether they read romances or not. Adult women rarely discuss their fantasies with their partners. They have learned that this is rarely welcomed by their partners.

If you want to improve your sex life and develop greater intimacy with your partner, you will need to abandon your competitive and/or jealous feelings about her fantasies. If you can find a way to talk to your partner about her fantasies without giving her negative feedback, I can promise you a happy ending. I know this is not easy, but it is worth working on.

What should men do if they want to get closer to their romance-reading lovers?

First of all, never say anything derogatory about her choice of reading material. You’d be surprised by how many men “tease” their partners. Then they’re surprised when they get an angry response! To get closer to your partner, you will have to enter her world.

If she likes the Bridgerton series, based on the books of Julia Quinn, watch it with her. Bridgerton is set in Regency-era England — the early 19^th century. There are three existing seasons of Bridgerton and a spin-off, Queen Charlotte.

The premiere Regency-era writer is Jane Austen. Her book, Pride and Prejudice, published in England in 1813, is still read today, as are her other novels. They have also been made into some wonderful movies. The 2005 version of Pride and Prejudice, featuring Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfadyen, is available on Netflix and worth watching. It features outstanding Regency-era fashion detail.

If you’re an old movie fan, the 1940 version of Pride and Prejudice starring Greer Garson and Laurence Olivier is available on Amazon Prime & Apple TV. If you’re Hallmark fan, there are a number of Jane Austen Regency-era and Contemporary remakes and spinoffs for you to enjoy.

If your partner isn’t a Regency buff, Romance has many subgenres. Historical romance can take place in any era and any country. One very popular story style is the Cowboy romance. Lyla Sage and Dylan Crush are two outstanding Cowboy romance authors. If you want something different, the most famous romance author in the world is Nora Roberts. She’s written over 200 romances including paranormal and romantic suspense series.

Want to spice up your love life? Take turns reading Fifty Shades of Grey, E. L. James’ erotic romance to one another. There are more books in the series. You can also watch the three movies, which are available on Peacock. There is a romance genre for every reader.

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For your romance reading pleasure:

Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice in 61 Haiku, by James. W. Gaynor with an introduction by Nola Saint James. (Amazon.com : pride and prejudice in 61 haiku)

Anarchy at Almacks, The Edanmore Chronicles, Book One, by Nola Saint James. (Anarchy at Almacks: Rowan’s Story: A Story of Love at First Site (Edanmore Chronicles): Saint James, Nola: 9780997842883: Amazon.com: Books)

[1] “Elizabeth, as they drove along, watched for the first appearance of Pemberly Woods with some perturbation; and when at some length they turned in at the lodge, her spirits were in a high flutter.”

Haiku translation:

Pemberly produced

a flutter effect. Could this

be real (-estate) love?